and he replied with absence
by Dan'saBitch
Summary: (Drabble) (Phan) Dan was a puzzle piece and Phil spent to much time trying to solve him.


_Some angsty drabble yo (I suck really hard sorry)_

_Dan was a puzzle and Phil spent to much wasted time trying to solve him._

_Warnings: Death, angst, sadness, high school au (literally all i ever write)_

_/_

Dan was a puzzle piece, with out the rest of a puzzle. He didn't have curved edges and flat lines, he was jagged and remained unsolved.

When he was small, he wouldn't interact with other kids, he didn't like them.

He didn't talk much and he didn't act like a normal seven year old, he wasn't fascinated with new toys or new people. Instead he sat alone on the pavement in front of the playground, with his eyes fixated on the sky.

Someone sat next to him one day, that someone was called Phil.

Phil was a source of comfort, he was the little things that should have mattered.

It seemed like some sort of gift how Dan allowed Phil to be something more than a empty face, but it wasn't a gift it was just how it was.

They would sit on the sidewalk, and Phil would babble and Dan would lean back to look at the clouds, occasionally giving his own opinion, and that's how they were, that's how they liked it.

Someone would come up to invite Phil to tag along in some game the other kids were playing, but Phil would smile and look at Dan, who couldn't be any less interested. He would then decline the offer, and give a toothy grin in Dan's direction, even if Dan never looked.

Phil cared for Dan as they grew, he was always by him, walking him to school, making sure he ate, helping him through the essentials of life, and in a way Dan became dependent on Phil.

And although Dan grew fonder of Phil over the years, he still didn't smile and Phil's never heard him laugh, even in the funnest moments.

Only when Phil's turned away, Dan will allow the smallest of smiles grace his features

/

It wasn't until Ren fell into the picture that things became hectic.

Dan and Phil sat outside under a tree they'd randomly picked as they shared a sandwich Phil had took the notion of bringing. It was silent, but it was a comfortable silent because chatting wasn't something Dan was fond of, and it was usually Phil who led a conversation. But Phil was eating, so they both just appreciated each others company.

They were both staring off, and were farther away from all the other students. But in the distance a boy with dark hair caught Dan's attention, he was wondering around for quite a while looking rather lost. Phil noticed Dan's held gaze, causing him to be a bit curious.

"New kid huh?" Phil spoke, as Dan shrugged his shoulders a horrible habit Phil was familiar with.

And that was it.

That boy was Ren.

The new kid, who stirred trouble in his wake.

For some odd reason the mist in Dan's eyes had cleared in the sight of Ren.

The boy with gray eyes and a devious smile had opened a hole in Dan Howell's chest and climbed right in.

And Phil was confused, he was baffled for the longest time, left wondering why Dan had let him in so quickly. And he never truly found the answer.

But he knew Ren challenged Dan. He made Dan think, his eyes were sharp and dangerous and he frightened Phil to the point of breaking. Because Dan started to chase after as Ren threw the bait and reeled him in.

Not only was Dan changing, but his eyes were growing wider as Ren introduced him to new things, new people.

Ren was reckless and frankly didn't give a damn, he couldn't see what he was doing to Dan, he couldn't see the hole he was digging for him. Until he started to bury Dan alive. Even then he didn't care.

But Phil cared, and he followed Dan just to make sure he was okay. He always smiled, even when it hurt, and he was always there.

But Phil saw how unneeded he'd become, sometimes when he arrived at Dan's house in the mornings, he found Dan had already left. Or when he'd wait for Dan during lunch, and he'd never show. Or how it became hard to have a conversation because all Dan would talk about is something him and Ren had done the day before. And Phil would have to keep Dan from seeing his wavering smile, and he'd have no other choice but to look happy for Dan. Because it was Dan, and Phil loved Dan.

"He just understands me you know?" Dan would say one afternoon when Phil managed to catch him on his way home from school. Dan will never know how much that just hurt, because Phil understands him. Completely and Dan's got it all wrong and he's so stupid and Phil's angry and he's sad.

"I guess" Phil didn't hide his frown, he didn't try.

/

Phil became selfish, and he had wished Ren never fell into their lives, ruining everything that meant something to Phil. He missed Dan, he missed Dan so much it hurt, because Dan was all there was, Phil made it that way in the very beginning because at that point he was all Dan had as well.

But eventually Phil stopped trying so hard, and watched Dan chase after Ren in their thoughtless games.

And his heart fell, one day when was sitting on the bleachers during PE, Dan was out on the court messing around with Ren. And Ren must have said something hysterical, because he heard an unfamiliar laughter. And looked to find a smile on Dan's face. Something he could never accomplish. It's then when he felt his heart crack from the bony fingers of a defeated friendship, Phil then realized there was no real competition to win Dan, ever since Ren was caught in Dan's gaze. There never was.

So Phil stopped coming to pick him up, and he stopped making sure he ate, and he stopped looking at him. Phil stopped completely. And his parents worried, and they asked what was wrong and Phil didn't respond.

But Phil was still scared, he was still in fear that Ren would some how hurt Dan, some how damage him and there was nothing Phil could say or do to stop it from spiraling down. Nothing but be there for him if Dan were to ask.

So that's what Phil did, he waited for Dan to come back to him. For it to just be the two of them again. Because he had so much empty hope, and he just loved Dan so much and offered so much safety where as Ren was a force of chaotic destruction.

/

"You're a mystery Dan Howell" Phil over heard Ren say one day as he past them in the hallway. But Phil didn't stop, he just moved forward, and he agreed with Ren. Because apparently all he's ever thought or known or thought he knew of Dan, wasn't right at all.

/

Time was a precious thing, and it was slipping out of Phil's fingers like sand, he'd be with the friends he didn't care about. He'd eat the food that didn't matter, and he'd play a game of life that talked to him as if he were nothing.

No one could have guessed what would have happened to Phil Lester, a boy of only 17.

He was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, and he wasn't paying attention, because it was one of those days that Dan slithered into his mind, and all he could think about was Dan and how long it'd been since he talked to him. How sad he was, how crushed he'd become. And how he couldn't heal himself.

Phil would never get the chance to heal himself anyways, so it really doesn't matter but at the time it did.

Phil was hit by a car, and killed.

That was the end of Phil Lester, no legacy to on, no happy ending, nothing. Phil's life was meaningless. He'd never get to make up the years he'd lost because of his love for a boy who didn't care about anything.

And it was sad, because his mother couldn't stop crying, and his brother hardly knew him and all his sister cared about were party's and boys and his father looked at the sky and wondered why his son spent so much of his life looking up there.

Then they'd all think they lost the boy who wasted his time with someone who didn't care about anything.

And Dan never got a special call, the Lester family hadn't heard from him in so long they didn't think it mattered, he didn't know until the rest of the school did a couple days later.

And Dan didn't really react right, he didn't really know how. Hearing the news over a loud speaker like they were never close. It didn't sound real.

"Wasn't that the kid you used to hang out with" Ren was so casual about it, like it didn't matter to him.

Dan didn't answer, because his source of retreat had been diminished by a metal force on wheels.

Phil Lester was now just a memory.

Dan left school early and for the first time in a while he was alone, he walked on the cracks of the sidewalks. Remembering how Phil would make it a of it game when they were little, he would dodge them. Phil used to make a little game out of everything.

Every memory of Phil blossomed in Dan's mind, he could remember the curve of his lips and the gentleness in his eyes.

Dan walked to Phil's house, where he stood outside looking through the window of his bedroom, waiting for Phil to walk past. But he never did.

And Dan's heart had drown in his stomach while he continued to stare at the window.

It didn't make sense but every day for a long time he walked to Phil's house before school and he'd wait for him to come out. But he never did.

/

Dan didn't cry, not until he was alone, and it was dark and the only thing to hear his wrenched sobs was Phil's tomb stone and the moon.

Dan wanted to return everything Phil had done for him, so he made Phil's lunch and he tried to do two of everything. Only to later on face that there's no one there to appreciate it.

He forgot about Ren, and started to find himself like he used to be, but Phil wasn't there so it wasn't at all like it used to be.

And Dan couldn't remember his last words to Phil, he knows they couldn't have been bad, but he hoped they were goodbye. And he wished he would have meant them.

He wished he didn't abandoned Phil, he wished Phil hadn't spent so much wasted time with him. And Dan feels so horrible, and he knows the feeling will never really go away. Because he left his best friend, and now he'll never get to see him again. He'll never get to apologize.

Dan took everything Phil was for granted, Phil looked after him and Dan replied with absence.

He wished Phil spent his time differently, but what Dan will never know is that Phil wouldn't have changed anything, and he would have done it all over again the same way. Because breaking a door in the walls of Dan Howell, was special to Phil.


End file.
